Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
You Might Also Like
This is painfully accurate 😅
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
his wife is probably gonna see that
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
*names my little horse OneTrick*
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.