The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*