[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.