[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you