When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails