I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.