I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.