My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.