I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.