i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.