Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos