If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.