Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I only eat vegetarians.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
#SCOTUS one-star review