[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.