That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
multitasking lunch
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me