I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,