Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second