Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
couldn’t resist
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time