❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“OMGJK” -atheists
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person