“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You Might Also Like
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲