ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
doing your own taxes
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*pronounces fake like saké*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I can’t wait!
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.