I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?