My safe word is Worcestershire
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.