Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: