Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media