That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Do not levitate over flowers
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.