To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*