Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Netflix and awkward silence?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap