GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
felt that
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.