About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me and who
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two