Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.