Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My birth announcement for our third baby
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I think I’m having a stroke
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
man i love columbo
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school