The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
🤣
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter