*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.