My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first