Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game