I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
You Might Also Like
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me too door. Me too.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Dishonest mechanic?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Nothing to do, you say?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think