Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.