Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 馃幎I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
for dessert we鈥檙e having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn鈥檛 laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I鈥檓 ready to settle down
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[God creating teenagers]
What鈥檚 the most expensive way to be ignored?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.