Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.