Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
lol
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am