[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.