Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is