Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*launders Kohls cash*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)