“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
this FaceApp is creepy af
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm