There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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what does he know…
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.