2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I think the cat got the dog high.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool