ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”