“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
December birthdays be like…
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!