Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
How to woo a woman
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house